How do you control your husband
Knowing the cause of control addiction & fighting the compulsion to control in the relationship
It's bad to see how many people have control addiction in a relationship and risk being abandoned because they create so much pressure and tension that the only way out is to break up.
You find your behavior a lot more than caring for and making sure everything is fine between you. That you express how important the relationship is to you and that you are ready to do anything for it. But how does that go down with others?
Extreme control never leads to stronger attraction, it separates the two of you from each other. This is exactly why you should understand your control addiction and work step-by-step to get rid of it.
If you yourself feel deep fear of loss and loneliness, it is high time to work on it, otherwise you will eventually regret your behavior towards the person who (has) meant everything to you. Your partner feels constricted, monitored and longs for freedom, time for yourself and the ease your relationship had in the beginning.
Control addicts are always tense and can rarely enjoy the moment, which makes them extremely stressful and why many people will distance themselves from them.
Control addiction symptoms & cause can be combated
Basically, it's good to be in control of your life. The rent will be transferred in good time, a fixed amount is planned for food and drink, there is still money left for vacations, you make sure you do enough sport and much more.
As soon as it comes to other people, your partner, your partner, your work colleagues, the boss, other people in traffic or anywhere else in the world, you will never have 100% control. It is simply NOT POSSIBLE!
You have to learn to be at peace with yourself andBuild trust in your relationship*. Constantly being in panic mode that you may be betrayed makes you physically and mentally ill.
The only thing that will help you is to understand your negative feelings, to reinterpret them and to get rid of them with a step by step guide as we offer them.
Control addiction symptoms
There are certainly many symptoms of control addiction, so I'll only list a few to give you an idea.
- Your thoughts often revolve around other people, especially in your relationship
- You basically think that other people want to harm you
- Fear and panic have been with you all your life
- You find spontaneity very difficult
- It is more important to you to keep something than to gain something new
- You were often disappointed by your parents in your childhood (see: Fear of loss arises in your childhood)
Control Addiction - The Psychology Behind It
With control addiction, you have lost your basic trust in yourself, other people and the whole world. It is so ingrained in your mind that if you give up control, something negative will happen to you.
If you don't control your partner, something bad will happen, he or she will leave you ...
Your inner voice keeps pushing you to want to be in control. Actually, she just wants to protect you from disappointment, but in this case it works exactly the opposite. The positive intention of your inner voice turns into a control mania. Genuine basic trust is replaced by an addiction to control.
You interpret messages and situations with control addiction glasses. Even if there are signs that you have thought wrongly, your mind will tell you “Yes, well, THIS TIME it was probably like that, but that doesn't mean that my partner is generally loyal to me. ”
Fight control addiction
It always begins with becoming aware of the addiction to control. When you become aware that you are control addicts, you can expose them. Finding situations in which you are being led outside ...
In situations in which you would actually be able to control your partner's cell phone, be able to resist and be aware of what is going on. Your negative thinking control mania voice tries to guide you, be aware of it and resist.
If you want to lose weight, you first fight against this inner voice that wants to make itself heard.
So candy or the need to control are based on the same inner voice. It gives you short term satisfaction, but harms you in the long run. Control addiction is a sign of extreme jealousy and you should address it before it negatively affects your life.
Control addiction breaks the relationship
As described in the last paragraph, control addiction takes on a very dangerous dynamic. It's no longer about love, affection and enjoying the time together.
As soon as you realize that you are using tactics yourself to show your power in the relationship, you should take two steps back, understand for yourself why you entered into this relationship and how you see your future.
Is it desirable for you to have a relationship in fear, in which the one who has the better tactics has the power? You both lose respect for one another. A friend becomes an enemy.
The more you try to gain control, the more you will lose your relationship. You will have a relationship with fear. Fear is the opposite of love, love is free and beautiful. Fear is very ugly, it freezes you and prevents you from opening up to the person you actually love.
Control addiction in the partnership
Many couples monitor each other in relationships. They are so fixated on being in control that they lose their independence ...
You came together precisely because that is what you appreciate and love so much about your counterpart. Why do you want to use all your might to undermine the uniqueness of your partner?
You are robbing yourself of the most beautiful moments of your life because you forget to develop yourself further and instead focus on other people who are not even in front of you. Your mind dictates what to think and feel. You no longer live in the here and now, even if you lie in bed together your thoughts are somewhere else, in the past or the future.
Maybe these will help youRelationship tips for women* who show you exactly how to lay the foundation for a happy relationship. One thing is clear, addiction to control and the extreme constriction in the relationship leads to a lot of pressure and stress even with small difficulties between you.
Also read: Negative consequences of jealousy in the relationship - 5 points
Saving the relationship with control
By this point you should have realized what I think of control addiction, especially in relationships. Anyone who tries to save a relationship through increased control has not understood life.
You cannot control another person! If you want true love, let go, let it happen, give up control of other people. Let it happen.
Show me a person who saved their relationship through control addiction. And show me these people who have become 100% happy with this relationship. They lead a life of fear and panic. Your relationship could be over at any moment, forever. This is how jealous people suffer in their relationship - how bad is it really?
You can only free yourself from this vicious circle by taking control of YOUR own life. Take care of yourself, be good to yourself and to others. The starting point is always you.
Can you give honest, unconditional love? Then you are well on the way to having happy and harmonious relationships.
Control addiction is more prevalent in marriage
Very often in marriages I see that one of the spouses feels inferior. Both have tied the knot, but that is by no means 100% security for a monogamous marriage.
One of them is mostly working, or both. There are enough chances to cheat.
The woman is sitting at home with the child and she is afraid that the man will cheat at work, have an affair. A piece of freedom has been taken from her by the child and thoughts arise in her head that the man will enjoy his freedom all the more in return.
The man works longer in order to be able to offer his family even more, he has positive intentions. His wife takes it differently, she thinks he's only been working so long lately to be with his affair.
The woman feels that she is not paying enough attention to the man and seeks confirmation from others, which in turn gives the man a bad feeling ... etc.
It is a doom-loop.
Control addiction cause
The cause of your control addiction goes back a long way, probably so much in the past that you have long since pushed it aside.
This is just self-protection because you had to save yourself from breaking emotionally.
At a point in your life that only you can know, you have lost your basic trust, you thought others would always be there for you and you would never be alone in the world.
But then an event came that triggered so much fear in you that you have been panicking since that moment when an important person around you could turn away from you and leave you alone again.
Find this experience, the trigger of your hurt, in the past and look at it with your adult self. Detach yourself from the emotions you felt back then and how you would assess it now from your safe distance.
Can you treat control addiction?
In short: yes.
The first step must always be to admit to being a control addict. No matter what area it is in.
However, in some jobs it is necessary to have a very high degree of control over different situations and people.
It becomes a problem when this desire for control accompanies you in every area of your life. You will never be able to switch off and enjoy the moment because you are constantly on the alert.
It is a process that you have to go through slowly and train to give up control from time to time. "Let things go" and watch closely how you feel.
Try to have a sense of achievement in small steps to understand that you can be much calmer, more relaxed and happier. Nobody wants to be permanently controlled by you and you should respect that.
If you want, you can treat your control addiction yourself by taking a closer look at what's going on inside you, what thoughts you have in your head and what would happen if you continued to live out your control addiction to an extreme.
People will move away from you and trust you less and less because they themselves are afraid that you will thereby control them even more. Be critical anyway and stick to your style, but give yourself and others permission to let go.
Life is made up of tension and relaxation. Constant tension burns you out and leads to symptoms such as burnout, anxiety and panic attacks and a chronic control mania that always keeps you away from a happy life.
Control Mania Originates in Childhood - What Happens to You?
The psychology behind control mania is easy to understand. We all want a certain amount of security and trust.
It is also often referred to as the so-called “basic trust”. That means trusting in life that anything can happen AND you still know that it makes sense for you and that you will survive the situation.
For many, this basic trust is shaken in childhood. They found it difficult to trust their parents and lived in constant insecurity. There was always something missing.
Did you have money worries as a child or your family? Constant arguments about it and you have noticed everything? Has your parents paid too little attention to your desire for affection and love? Have you never had the feeling that you are ready to survive in the world alone?
It is almost everyone who, due to insecurity in childhood and too little knowledge of their parents about upbringing, is in the role of victim for an entire generation.
You can hardly trust others and you have never developed your own self-confidence either. You always want to have more control and power because otherwise you will feel helpless.
You now want to replace this helplessness in childhood in order to have control over other people and your relationship yourself.
If you solve the problem with your basic trust through self-reflection, you also solve your addiction to control and you begin to understand that you only have 100% influence on yourself.
Other people will always want to disappoint, lie, cheat or take advantage of you. Other people will also help you, do you good, give you gifts or be loyal.
Expect NOTHING and you will get everything. Work on yourself and on what you can influence yourself.
Are control addiction and control madness the same thing?
Control madness is even worse than control addiction. If you have control madness, you are even more anxious than a control addict.
No matter what kind of madness, you completely lose control and get real panic attacks. Control addicts only feel the need to be in control, while control addicts can no longer make conscious decisions.
The control mania becomes chronic and is the final stage of control addiction. I have seen many people who were only slightly addicted to control, it had only very little effect on their lives and relationships and can be classified as very little concern.
A person who is delusional in control lays down the whole world in a way that suits his (invented) world. Even if there is absolutely no reason to be afraid, the control mania has so much influence that the situation escalates immediately. This can be very severe and if you have control madness you should definitely consider doing behavior therapy.
You can get control addiction under control if you know the causes. With a control mania, however, you lose all control over yourself and your behavior. In that case you need someone who is very gentle with you without judging you in order to slowly free yourself from fear and panic.
The cause of control delusion can be a very traumatic experience that can even go back a long time. Similar to post-traumatic stress disorder, the cause is very deep and must be found out slowly. There are enough therapists out there who can help you work on it in a targeted manner, you just have to have the courage to face it.
Control Addicted People - How To Deal With You?
You will meet control addicts more often in your life than you really want to. It can start with your parents, like missing the moment when you are old enough to have your own experiences in life.
Many parents are addicted to control through their own insecurity and pass this fear onto their children. They ACTUALLY only want the best for their children, but it takes away a lot of valuable experience from their children.
Particularly insecure, fearful people also behave in their relationships as control addicts, they always let themselves be guided by their exaggerated fears. They have never learned to deal with their fears, especially fear of loss. Your whole life is worrying and feeling insecure on your own.
If you let yourself be drawn into this vortex or if you don't draw any clear lines, it will only get worse. You cannot give security to a control addict, "security" will only drive him to keep going.
Everyone must be able to live for themselves without always having to rely on others. Any relationship with someone extremely addicted to control becomes torture for both of them.
You yourself feel trapped, monitored, and guilty. The control addict, whether male or female, is trapped in his own world. In this world it's all about clinging to others and just pushing your own fears away.
You can only try to make it clear to him or her that they should urgently deal with the fear of loss, lack of self-confidence and the desire to live a life in 100% security. There will never be 100% security and that should be clear to everyone.
Develop self-confidence* is one of the most important things everyone should learn to get rid of many fears, worries and doubts.
Nobody can and should be able to hold you captive just because of uncertainty and you shouldn't support such a thing under any circumstances. From a certain age this step MUST be taken by everyone. A fulfilling life can only be lived through courage and self-confidence.
What does the compulsion to control say about people and their relationship?
There is a lack of deep trust in one another and the basis of the relationship is disrupted.Often both of them still have major problems with themselves, which are expressed in deep insecurity and fear.
Many think that their loneliness and many other problems go away through a relationship, but this usually only happens in the beginning, the phase of being in love, which makes everything else forget.
One often speaks of the 3rd month when the decision is made whether a relationship will continue or whether to break up and that is exactly the time when old personal problems come up again. If the relationship is to be continued, both must set out to reflect on the past, to learn from it and to strive for a new, more harmonious future together. It's a tough job, but with the necessary determination and a bit of perseverance, both will benefit from this challenge.
The partner's compulsion to control puts a strain on the relationship - how do I deal with it?
There are different cases of compulsion to control and if you feel overwhelmed by it, you should seek help from others, because nobody knows how a partner with compulsion to control will react if you do something that makes them angry.
It is important that he himself recognizes his own compulsion to control and that his friends also tell him, because if you tell him that and reproach him, it will only create unnecessary arguments.
Show understanding for him as best you can and don't judge him for having an obsession with control. He probably loves you so much that you feel even more in control, but that's not meant to be an excuse for how he treats you.
You shouldn't provoke him unnecessarily, but carefully strengthen your trust in one another step by step, but be aware that it can take some time before his need to control is less. However, you should also avoid doing everything right for him in the long term and limiting yourself extremely.
Every man deals with his feelings differently and that is exactly why it is important not to put yourself in unnecessary danger or to accept it. A long-term happy relationship can only develop if you are both respectful, loyal and understanding to each other and are two solid personalities who decide to have a future together.
Giving up control in the relationship is important for balance and new experiences
If you are addicted to control and your relationship is suffering as a result, you have to learn to give up control from time to time, otherwise your relationship will hardly develop any further. You want to control and determine everything, that may go well for a certain time, but at some point the relationship just goes the way you want it and you hardly leave any room for new suggestions and impulses that would be good for both of you.
It's like a conversation in which you are talking all the time without really listening. You deprive yourself of valuable new thoughts from your counterpart. Instead of just wanting to speak up and be the center of attention, you'll learn a lot more by listening and getting a new perspective.
In some situations it is good to be in control to have a firm opinion and to have your needs met, but if you yourself notice how one-sided your relationship is developing you should learn to give up control in some moments.
You can practice this by doing simple things like choosing food / movie / vacation spot or similar things. Also get to know the positive sides when you give up control without wanting to evaluate everything directly.
Many are not even aware of how much they damage their relationship with their control behavior.
Often it is the disappointments of past relationships that an attempt is made to get a grip on through increased monitoring in order to never have to experience exactly the injuries of the old relationship again.
Many are not at all aware that this control addiction becomes an enormous burden. But imagine what it would be like for you?
It shows a lack of trust and extreme uncertainty. Self-doubt and doubts about the partner will keep the whole relationship unbalanced.
A healthy, adult, loving relationship is difficult to lead in this way. What is missing is the great element of mutual trust that attempts are made to get a grip on them through excessive control. Which can only lead to failure.
Do you suffer from control addiction and always want to have everything under control? Have you ever been so disappointed in the past that you decided to control more than is appropriate?
Does the thought of losing control and just trusting blindly make you afraid? What tips do you have for others with extreme control addiction? How do you manage to give enough freedom in your relationship?
Frequently asked questions
There is some form of fear behind every control addiction. What do i mean?
Fear arises when you don't know how to control the situation, when anything could happen that you want to avoid or prevent.
Fears that only really emerge in adult life (as has been proven very often) in childhood. I know a lot of people don't want to hear this and think it's bullshit, but that's one of the few areas where the chances are extremely high that it's true.
If a child never has a firm bond and an emotional pool of calm in the family at an early age, it gets scared, almost scared to death, because the world as a tiny being can be very overwhelming. No child could survive alone after birth, it is 100% dependent on other people.
Many never get out of this phase and panic a lot when a relationship threatens to break up. You want to control everything to avoid the pain that an uncertain outcome COULD bring. They are so afraid of losing a relationship that they will do everything possible to rule out anything that could lead to the breakup.
Control addicts are constantly on the alert and very rarely can enjoy moments because they are constantly under tension. If you suffer from control addiction yourself, it may make you think about changing something and taking small steps to get away from it. It is a process that takes time, but it is very important to you!
So if you want to keep a serene, harmonious and loving relationship permanently you should start one of themost common 24 relationship problems to solve*.
Control addicts always have a history of their past in which they were so afraid of losing control that they decided to want to control everything and everyone in the future. Trying to control and monitor your partner is more a sign of weakness than it expresses power.
Control addicts don't have a “disease”, they just have the wrong view of themselves and are afraid of losing something that is important to them. In some areas, like finances or your own safety, it is important to be in control, but relationships never work well in the long run if either of you feels locked in and controlled.
You achieve exactly the opposite of what you want to achieve with control. You make the whole relationship a coercion and lock both of you in a cage. Nobody likes to be locked up and controlled. Only if both feel free in a relationship and have respect for each other will a relationship last a lifetime and make you happy. Being able to rely on one another is the basis and having trust in one another is the foundation of a long, happy relationship. Anything else leads to an unhealthy relationship of dependency that often ends in drama and argument.
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