Should I tell another betrayed spouse
Talking is silver, silence is gold: Does that also apply to cheating?
We all learned this as children: talking is silver, silence is gold. With one friend from elementary school, grandma always said that and nodded knowingly: “Sometimes a child, sometimes it's better to just keep your mouth shut. Talking is great, but not always the most elegant solution. "
We encounter this principle again and again in friendships: When your best friend reveals a secret to you. One that really has to be private. Then it would be tempting to tell: whether out of sensational lust or because you can hardly keep it to yourself, because you want to serve up a new, spectacular story in a large group or simply because you think your best friend should know about it too. Hopefully in the end the friendship and the will to keep the secret and to keep the promise wins.
But what about the topic of cheating? What if a misstep has occurred and you weigh up whether it would be better to remain silent or pour pure wine for your partner? Whom do you want to do good here; the partner or maybe just yourself and your own conscience? What he doesn't know doesn't make him hot, is it [called, but also one often hears that honesty is the greatest good in a relationship.
It is often said that whoever cheats has a problem in their relationship. Such things don't happen in an intact relationship. Personally, I think that's outright nonsense. One can definitely love sincerely and truthfully, have emotions for a person and want to be with them. At the same time, one can long for excitement, sex, strange skin and adventure. The question is, do you pursue that desire, and even then, I still believe that you can love your partner. Whether this behavior is respectful towards the partner is another matter. I do not think that cheating can only happen in broken relationships: Often people have something at home that they appreciate and love and still find themselves in situations in which they act differently. Now it can be said that someone who truly loves manages to avoid such situations. Remain steadfast and consistent. But we wouldn't be human if these principles weren't thrown overboard from time to time.
Nevertheless, there are things in life, situations, occurrences where this decision is not so easy to make. There are secrets that should be kept, but there are also those that you might just have to say. When it comes to cheating in a relationship, I have vague thoughts and an opinion that some of my friends don't share, others can fully understand.
More about cheating:
Alcohol is not an excuse, we all know that. But we know just as well how quickly the other person becomes more attractive after the third gin and tonic. How we become clingy after the first bottle of wine with a good friend and suddenly long for a hug. And how quickly a dance in a club can turn into a real flirt. I still draw a clear line myself between wild and drunk snogging around in my favorite club and a real one-night stand. At the latest on the way home you should notice that you have forgotten a small detail; one that has a name and is lovingly waiting at home. And yet: missteps occur in the best relationships and are not always malicious and nasty despite all the deliberations. If something like this happens, I actually advocate the principle - if it is a single time, one without emotions, one that does not change the existing love for a person, that does not come back and should never have happened - not to say anything about it. I plead guilty. In such a situation I was silent and locked what had happened far back in a chamber of my brain, as if it had never happened. And I loved my boyfriend no less because of it. Certainly, something like that also depends on the relationship of trust in a relationship. One of my last partners was once not quite as loyal as society and every relationship advisor demands. He told me. It hurt, but it also showed that we trust each other more than anyone else. That our love is so big and strong that we can talk, analyze and optimize such things. I know of myself that I can do something like that if you are honest with me. But there are people who then doubt themselves for weeks, months, maybe even for years. It not only breaks their hearts and pride, but also their self-esteem - and I personally think that a single sexual intercourse with another person is not worth it. But even this opinion can change from relationship to relationship and age to age.
If you start an affair, cheating like this happens again and again, if you are looking for excuses from the existing relationship, in my opinion you have to have the size and the courage to be honest. Such long-term or accumulated cases of fraud almost always come out and the loved one just doesn't deserve it (if he is loved, because I doubt that someone will display such patterns if he truly loves. Even if you can, feelings and separating sex; you just don't do that to someone you love). And I'm sticking to it.
A misstep is different for me at the end of a relationship. You sleep with another person, you realize that I don't want this relationship anymore and I break up, one way or another. No matter what about the other person, I may even be completely indifferent to them and I don't even know their name, but they opened their eyes; then - in my opinion - one has to be silent. If you choose for yourself to leave someone you love, it's bad enough for that person. The addition that one has already cheated on him is tantamount to following suit. Yeah, maybe that was the trigger. But it doesn't have to be what the other gets thrown in the face if the only point it changes about the breakup is a deeper hurt to the other.
Over the past few years, in the course of various researches, I have spoken to many people about this topic, including psychologists and couples therapists. Many agreed: The cheater usually confesses because he cannot stand his own bad conscience. Because he feels bad about carrying this secret and needs an accomplice. Maybe someone to tell him how bad it is. How anti-social and mean. Someone who can forgive him and make his suffering easier. And I think that's the wrong approach. Relief should never be the reason for a confession, because it plunges the other into a valley of anger and sadness, just so that you feel a little better yourself. And whoever acts has to be able to endure it.
For my own relationship, I now follow the principle "Openness and honesty has never harmed anyone". Nevertheless, everyone has to orientate themselves towards their counterpart and weigh up how much pain a person can endure, regardless of whether gold or silver. Doing the right thing is not always easy. Let's try.
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