Is it embarrassing to be single?

The thing about being single

A few years ago, in the high phase of uncomfortability with the status of being unmatched, I looked for texts in which I hoped to find what I was looking for. Namely someone who was just like me. An article or a book from which it could have been inferred that my experience is nothing unusual, there is always something very beneficial to just being able to determine that you are not alone with your problem and also to be able to describe what you are doing experienced myself. If you have a problem with being alone and you still feel alone with this problem, then it's really doubly stupid. The result of my research, however, was the realization that you just have to write some texts yourself.

This text is about being single with a desire for a partnership and some of the countless facets of this state. It works Not around self-chosen solitude ”and happy singles, there are no renewed listing of the advantages of a single life over a relationship life. It is a long-missed addition to the many contributions that try in good faith to transform the perceived unhappiness of the unfortunate into its opposite, but thereby reinforce it. A supplement that wants to create space so that everyone who is unhappy about not getting what they want can simply be unhappy about it in peace, at least for a moment or now and then. Because it is better to be honestly sad for a moment that you don't have or get something you want or need, instead of not allowing yourself to be sad, or hiding it from yourself and others.

It is no coincidence that the problem of being single with the desire for a partnership can also reside in the area of ​​taboo and shame. After all, it is in a dangerous neighborhood to loneliness, with which nobody really wants to have anything to do with.

But why can it feel shameful to us to be single?
Maybe because shame is a social feeling and the social norm has been promoting a civil partnership for a long time.
But it is not necessarily just mean and completely unjustified to strive for the most stable civil partnership possible from the social norm. At least in principle it can be easier to live together, to share life with someone and with it the tasks, joys, sorrows, bed, everything possible. In most cases, most of the people want to share experiences, experiences. And they want to communicate. Resonance is an indicator of connection and connections are vital to us.
The ideal of partnership is therefore not completely insane and, in the best case, actually increases the quality of life. But the presence of an ideal says nothing about its attainment. And where we do not achieve or miss ideals, we are very vulnerable.

So it is not just some problem among many, but one of those that really hit our innermost being. And such a thing cannot be deleted from a list of the advantages of single life. Of course there are, but it doesn't help in the long term to cover a pain with positive aspects. Pain is not there for nothing and wants to be perceived in order to be able to transform or dissolve.

There is an advertisement from a partner exchange that advertises that thanks to their services you get the opportunity to be kissed awake instead of being woken up by the alarm clock. This quite blatant representation that being kissed awake is desirable and that being woken up by the alarm clock is something that one should better escape from, is just one of many more, sometimes less subtle messages that have an impact on society and, above all, lead to it Probably some singles feel really bad and look at their alarm clock with different eyes. Instead of being angry at the advertisers and expressing this anger towards them, sadness probably outweighs more often when the feelings are played with in such a striking way.

With an unfulfilled desire for a relationship, one can feel like missing something pretty basic, which can be very painful. In addition to this original problem, there are unnecessarily various other impressions that can be stressful. And because I am firmly convinced that no unpleasant feeling can last and hold power over you for a long time if it is brought to light and shared with others, I now bring them all out one after the other.

As mentioned briefly, shame can play a major role in the mixture of uncomfortable feelings around the subject of being single. If it cannot be clearly determined from external circumstances why something is the way it is, we look for the "fault" in ourselves personally and then perhaps we are ashamed of it. We don't feel ashamed of something for which we don't feel responsible. After the war, for example, the women probably didn't ask themselves why they were actually single, but it was clear that the war was responsible for downright male poverty. At the moment, however, there are not so clear explanations, which can give the impression that it must be up to you. Because there are possibilities, actually. Often this leads to the conclusion that “something is wrong” with you.
We are so dedicated to looking for reasons because once you have found a reason, you may be able to influence the situation that you do not like. And because it is always unsatisfactory to fish in murky waters and not know what is going on. Perhaps this way you also have an answer to the less sensitive questions from people around you. So we come up with all sorts of reasons, e.g. to be too demanding, not attractive or lovable enough or generally incapable of relational, to spell out the most common, usually devastating, assumptions.

Assumptions or statements of this kind are nothing but a short-term reassurance. Because: There is a lot in the realm of the possible. Many of us have had a bit of high expectations when it comes to love events, having a crush on ultimately unreachable people who have put our self-worth to the test, probably too. And relationship matters are always complex today, because so many relationship models cannot possibly dominate all of them, something inability can happen quickly. Only that you are not adorable, that really can't be.

Another feeling that can haunt one is the rather difficult des Leftover. It makes a difference which decade of life you're single. The years between 20 and 30 are mostly similar to the inexperienced use of a chemistry kit. During this time, people often and happily experiment and observe what happens when you connect different things and people, there is a lot of movement, sparks fly, accidents happen.

The following decade is characterized by more consistency and seriousness, families are founded in many places and thus a level of responsibility is reached that takes every decision under the microscope.
For some people who have naturally wished for children, this can be a very difficult time in their life if it appears that such a wish in life may not be fulfilled easily.

But even if you do not want to have children, you may have the feeling that you have lagged behind your personal and / or social life plan and that you are unable to do something normal seems to be.
But let's leave it at that for the time being and watch all these taboo thoughts and feelings how they behave in the light and in the air. They look vulnerable. So let's take care of her better.

  1. The following revolutionary approach has shown promise for dealing with unpleasant feelings: Let! You! To! If they keep being crammed back into the chamber of repression, they have practically no chance of ever being able to move on, of communicating something perhaps important or of making themselves useful in any other way. And that's what they're there for. They are there because they want to be noticed. So do them, and thereby yourself, a favor and give them a place in the fresh air. Talk to someone about it, write down what you think and feel, and thereby relieve the discomfort that comes with repression. Only then is there the possibility that the feeling can change and develop into something good.
  2. By being sincere and honest with your feelings towards yourself and others, others can also deal with you much better and you experience more understanding and compassion instead of fear of compassion. This also applies to yourself.
  3. Make a clear distinction between what you really want and wish for yourself and your life and what you think you have to because others or “society” expect it from you. Trying to get what you want is great, but not giving in to the pressure of a diffuse mass.
  4. If you are at peace with something, you are likely to be left at peace too. In any case, it is easier to react to this in exceptional cases.
  5. Make friends with the idea that we just don't always get what we want, even what we need. A look at the credit side is worthwhile to balance the mood.
    Your life isn’t perfect How dare it! Unfortunately, nowhere is it written that every life is entitled to a happy and fulfilling partnership. So it makes no sense to go through life with an attitude as if you were unfairly withheld from a delivery that you have already paid for.
  6. Practice in relaxed openness and steer your fortunes gently. Connectedness, for example, can also be sought and found in other places. Maybe in a different form and maybe not 100%, but maybe 60 or 80% of something is better, so wait with 0% for 100%. Use influence where possible and accept what is beyond your control. You can join an association that dedicates its work to a purpose that is important to you. Falling in love and making another person fall in love with you is more likely to be beyond our control.

This time, unfortunately, no book recommendation because, as already mentioned at the beginning, this book apparently still has to be written.

Kathrin Hasenburger is a former bookseller who lives part-time in Berlin and on a farm in the Uckermark. She is now working as a writer and cleaner after Marie Kondo. For us, she does away with negative beliefs. WebsiteInstagram